Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
