you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
