I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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