Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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