So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
