I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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