I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
