Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
