Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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