First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
