i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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