omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize