I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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