Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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