so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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