Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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