I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize