Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
