I just saw a hot homeless man
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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