the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You need a sexual gate keeper
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
