How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
