i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
