last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
