Pants 0. Shit 1.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
