I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
