I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
