You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
