he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
