and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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