I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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