i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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