Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
