Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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