as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
