Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
