I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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