Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
