Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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