Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
