i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
