did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
