I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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