I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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