If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
