you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
