you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
