Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
