I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
