i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i already hear my dad disowning me
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
