I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
