Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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