It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
