turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
