ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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