I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
