im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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