You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
