I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
