someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
