seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
