Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
