Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
