The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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